My Twins Were Born at Home

May 19, 2008

Saw this bumper sticker on the back of a minivan the other day. See comment below. But double stupider.

My Baby Was Born at Home

April 25, 2008

This is a bumper sticker I saw on a navy-blue Audi or VW station wagon in the Safeway parking lot today. Hey lady, do think anyone gives a shit where your baby was born? Should we all honk if we had a home birth? Do you think you deserve a medal or something? Does your health insurance not cover a hospital birth? Or do you not believe in health insurance either? Well, if you want to pull over, I can tell you a horror story or two about home births. I think I’ll put a bumper sticker on my Subaru that says, “Both of my children were born in the hospital by C-section and my son subsisted solely on not-organic formula in toxic plastic bottles.” Only I don’t want to screw up the back of my car.

Do Fecal Germs Fly?

April 10, 2008

Yesterday I watched a video clip from the national news about germs. The “expert” who was being interviewed, by an anchorwoman with bad plastic surgery, was a dentist named Dr. Katz. He said everyone should cover their toothbrushes with a plastic toothbrush cover because there are fecal germs in the bathroom (that somehow fly up from the toilet and attach themselves to the bristles). OK, I’m a bonafide germphobe, but even I’m not going to cover my toothbrush with a plastic box. Wouldn’t that just provide a nice moist environment for the fecal and mouth bacteria to grow??? Wouldn’t it be better, Dr. Katz, to rinse your toothbrush under very hot water before and after using it, like I do, and then let it dry out? He, the designated TV network germ expert du jour, said the germiest place is an airplane bathroom which is FILLED with fecal germs. Hey, it doesn’t take a DDS to figure that one out. Everyone pees on the airplane bathroom floor, including me, because they hover over the seat so their butt doesn’t have to actually touch it. That’s why I always take a shower and wash my clothes when I get to my vacation destination. Oh, and Dr. Katz, the dentist, said that kitchen sinks are full of germs too. And (clean) wet laundry. He suggests wearing vinyl surgical gloves when transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer.

Squawk Box

April 7, 2008

Today, when I pulled into one of the primo parking spaces directly in front of Trader Joes, I thought I might have run over a baby or something. I heard this painful-sounding shriek, somewhere between a shriek and a squawk. It had the same effect as someone running their fingernails along a chalkboard. I was with my five-year-old daughter Natalie, and after I pushed the red cart into the store I turned around and realized she was no longer there. I’d assumed she was behind me, but she wasn’t. I ran back outside and THANK GOD she was just standing there frozen crying. I picked her up and put her in the cart. She was clutching her hand-written shopping list: MILK, HONEY, CREAL, BARS, EDAMAME.

When we were waiting in the check-out line, I heard that shrill, torturous shriek again. “Look,” Natalie said.

A woman just ahead of us, at the next aisle over, had a backpack/birdcage strapped to her back and inside was a red and blue parrot. It was like a Baby Bjorn for a bird. Now if this had been in Iowa, at a Wal-Mart say, this bird woman would have been a real anomaly. But here, in El Cerrito, just a passing curiosity. And the weird thing was, the woman didn’t seem weird. She seemed, if I may take the liberty to generalize, like a nice Jewish woman. But she seemed a little annoyed by all the attention she was getting. Hey, if you don’t want to call attention to yourself, don’t strap a squawking tropical bird to your back next time you go out to get your groceries.

As we were loading our groceries into the car, the woman with the birdcage backpack came up to us. She complemented Natalie on her purple twirly dress. Natalie gets a lot of attention because she is pretty as a parrot. Prettier, actually. And she’s a snappy, fancy dresser. It’s never a dress-down day at kindergarten! So we got to chat with the woman about her parrot, a female Eclectus native of South America but bought from a dealer/breeder? in San Jose. Isn’t it fun to go shopping with mommy. Who needs a trip to the zoo?

Next stop, pickles from the German deli where the owner never fails to give Natalie a big chocolate ladybug…

Fuck Yo Couch

March 26, 2008

Seen on a t-shirt on a guy walking down the street in Emeryville. He was wearing a jacket over his shirt, but I’m pretty sure this is what it said.

Knocked-Up Polenta

March 8, 2008

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Yesterday Aaron and I were watching “Take Home Chef” on TLC. The premise of this “reality” show is that Curtis Stone, a totally buff, charming Australian guy, a bachelor, who dresses well but wears too much make-up in my opinion, and is even good with dogs and children, goes over to someone’s house and cooks a special dinner for them according to the occasion. Yesterday he was making a romantic dinner for a guy to surprise his girlfriend and her dessert was a diamond engagement ring! (The regular dessert was fancy French cheese wrapped in chestnut? leaves with a drizzle of lavender honey over something. The fruit? The bread?) But what was funny was that after he made them their seared scallops and provencal stew, when he came back after the commercial break for Lyrica, a pain medication, he said “I just knocked-up some polenta…” Wow, I bet a lot of women out there watching wished they were polenta.

Bye Bye (Easter) Baskets

March 5, 2008

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Yesterday I got a jump on Easter, which comes early this year, and went to Target to buy cute stuff to put in Aaron and Natalie’s Easter baskets. Last year I waited too long and all the good stuff was gone, even the Play Doh-filled eggs (I don’t buy candy) and I ended up with the pre-made Crayola baskets that are big and look impressive but are actually very disappointing (read: crappy) when they are opened. But this morning I retrieved the Target bag of Easter Made-in-China stuff and returned it all. I love shopping at Target because they never ask you questions about why you’re returning everything you bought the day before. And while I was there I returned the Dora faux-Crocs I bought for Natalie that didn’t fit her right and the big stuffed dog (“Floppy Heart”) I’d bought her for Valentine’s day because one of it’s eyes broke in half. I swear, if Target stopped carrying everything that’s made in China the way Trader Joe’s has, there would be nothing in the store. So altogether, I got about $35 back plus three $3 “apology coupons” for Floppy Heart because I made a fuss and didn’t have a receipt or a tag. I loved getting Easter baskets when I was a kid, even though we were and are Jewish so I wanted to carry on the tradition with my kids. They know nothing about the religious aspect of the holiday, they just think it’s the beginning of Spring. Well maybe it’s time I told them about Jesus. But I still prefer a good egg hunt and brunch to a Passover seder any day.

Natalie & Michelle

March 2, 2008

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First Riding Lesson!

March 2, 2008

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To Buy or Not to Buy

March 2, 2008

Reasons to buy Girl Scout cookies outside Safeway today:

  1. They only sell them once a year.
  2. They had the varieties that are good: thin mint and the short bread ones with a layer of chocolate that they didn’t have in front of the post office the other day.
  3. The money you spend benefits a youth organization.
  4. I like the design of the boxes.
  5. You know they’re gonna be fresh because they only make them once a year.

Reasons I ultimately did not buy Girl Scout cookies outside Safeway today:

  1. They cost $3.50 a box, which is a little steep.
  2. If I bought them, I, or other members of my family, would eat them, none of which of us need more sugar and/or chocolate.
  3. I’m sorry, but both the Girl Scouts and the Boy Scouts smack a little of Hitler Youth. I think it’s the uniforms.
  4. I didn’t like the way one of the mothers, who was supervising the sales, took her daughter aside and yelled at her for not being aggressive enough.
  5. They weren’t organic, and probably had trans fats.
  6. I only $20 in my wallet and I’m trying to save so we can remodel our house.